Today Is The Day

. . .and I'm a nervous wreck. Part of me is excited in anticipation of telling GG the good news tonight. Another part of me is terrified that I'm going to get bad news at my appointment. I've made it till lunch, which when I got up this morning seemed impossible. Now just three and a half more hours till I have the ultrasound (or until I go to the appointment, which could end up with an hour wait before I get the ultrasound).

I will say, I talked with two really good friends and my sister-in-law yesterday briefly. They all told me they would be praying for me last night and today. For the last few nights, I've had visions of horrible news dancing in my head and dreams. Last night, as I lay there in bed on the cusp of sleep, I found myself daydreaming about the actual birth experience with this little one, nursing him or her for the first time. . .and then I jolted. Where did those thoughts come from? I suddenly had this unexplainable certainty that someone was praying for me. And it didn't stop there! I dreamt last night that the ultrasound went beautifully and the baby looked great.

This may not seem like a big deal, but considering that I've had horrible, tormenting nightmares about different miscarriage scenarios for the last three or four nights, I think it is a miracle. So. . thanks to all my prayer warriors out there. And thanks to all my awesome friends. Just as I was on the verge of freak out this morning, I got an e-mail from a friend reminding me of the scripture I posted on here a few days ago from Psalm 139:16. It was a timely reminder that I'm not the one in control. I've had it open on my desktop reading it every 15 minutes or so ever since.

I'll post again later tonight-hopefully with great news!

Another Day

I'm feeling amazingly peaceful today. The Scripture I found yesterday really rooted in my heart, and I have a sense that everything will be okay, even if it's not okay. I know it sounds like it doesn't make sense, but I know I will make it through this, no matter what "this" is.

Last night, I went out for a girls' night with 6 of my friends. Several were talking about the horribleness of pregnancy, a topic which still tugs on my heart, especially with what's going on right now. I got quiet and focused on my food. While I also hated the morning sickness of pregnancy, the rest of it was a beautiful experience for me. The baby moving inside, the anticipation of the birth. . .those are the parts I long to experience again. As one friend commented that she felt like it was an alien taking over her body, my sister noticed how quiet I was and made eye contact, quietly making sure I was okay. I assured her I was fine. She and I have always had kind of a special connection that way, and I so appreciate her sensitivity.

She gave me a Willow Tree Angel of Hope for my birthday. I couldn't even express to her how loved it made me feel. Right now, she only knows that I hope to have another child someday and she doesn't want me to lose hope. She has no idea that I'm pregnant now and fighting to keep hope that this baby will be viable and will survive. Without even knowing it, she's fanning the flame of hope in my heart. That's what sisters are for I guess!

This morning the pain in my side is much less. I hope this continues, as an ectopic pregnancy is even more scary than another miscarriage. I'm holding on to Jesus in the midst of this storm of fear. He's the only one who can see me through to the other side.

Comfort

In all my craziness this morning, I'm looking for an anchor to hold me fast. I've been neglecting my Scripture studies lately, so I decided to renew my mind by studying my daily Scripture that came in my e-mail today:

Jer 17:7 "Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD.
Jer 17:8 He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit."

This is God's promise to me that no matter what happens and what the outcome of this pregnancy, I will survive and even thrive. If I choose to put my trust in Him, my roots will be nourished by his grace and his comfort, and I will stay vibrant. I can rest securely in knowing that God has my back, and will give me the strength to make it through whatever comes my way. It even promises that I will continue to "bear fruit," meaning I will still be able to be productive, even in the midst of horrible pain.

I don't particularly want to go through any more pain, but I am comforted by the fact that if I do lose this baby, God will see me through again. The fear of pain is sometimes even worse than the pain itself when it comes. I am choosing right now, this moment, to trust in Him. One minute at a time is all I can handle.