Missing Baby #2 Today

This pregnancy is going by without complication. Minor inconveniences to be sure and discomfort, but this little girl is healthy and moves like crazy! That's why today I was taken aback by my emotions. I was sitting here listening to some Christian music by Natalie Grant, specifically the song "Held." It talks about parents losing a little one and the line, "The promise was that when everything fell, we'd be held." I suddenly found myself weeping about the baby we lost last summer. I'm so excited about this new little girl, yet it doesn't make the pain of the loss of my child who's in heaven go away. Emotions are crazy things, aren't they?

We are at 25 weeks now and counting. Thank God for all the blessings in my life. . .

12 Weeks Today

Well, I'm officially 12 weeks today, but won't be thoroughly relieved until I have my ultrasound next week at 12 weeks, 6 days. This will prove that the baby actually made it through the first trimester. I'm still pretty nauseous off and on (lost my dinner last night-won't be eating vegetable beef soup again for a WHILE), but now I've become paranoid that my belly isn't getting any bigger. I'm afraid I may be shrinking.

Nothing much to base it on. I wear mostly stretchy pants anyway so this fear is all subjective, but then what fear isn't? I'm holding on to a promise my sister-in-law posted on Facebook several weeks ago that has really stuck with me: Psalm 139:16 "your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." I'm not the one forming this baby anyway. All his or her days were written before one of them came to be. I'm trying to rest in that.

Ultrasound-10 weeks, 6 days

I had another ultrasound today, but no DVD this time so no picture to post. When my doctor came in, he asked how I was and I told him I'd been feeling better for the last three days and was now worried that was a bad sign. He said, "I figured you'd say something like that," which I took to mean, most women start to feel a little better at this stage and it's normal, but he knows I'm a worrier after last time (rightly so). He did another transabdominal scan (which is external, thank goodness) and found the baby immediately. The CRL measured 10 weeks, 5 days-which is 3 days off from last time, but he said it's normal to have some fluctuation. The heart rate was 168 bpm, very healthy and strong. So. . .it appears my worries were for nothing, something I am very grateful for. I intend to fully appreciate every nausea-free moment I have over the next few weeks, until it's gone altogether. I have another scan in two weeks. If all looks good at that one, we intend to tell GG about her impending big sisterhood. Here's hoping!!!

On a spiritual note, as I was driving to the appointment, I was thinking about how God sees me and that if I was going to get bad news, he already knows it's coming. I pictured him bracing himself for my sorrow that was to come, knowing he grieves with his children. As I was having these thoughts, a whisper blew across my heart that said something like, "He anticipates your joy with excitement, not just your pain with sorrow." I, being the pessimist I am, didn't really listen at the time, so invested in my worry was I. After the scan went well, I think I felt a bit convicted for not taking the encouragement that was being offered. I am thankful for a God that gets excited when he knows I'm about to get good news. I should listen to his whispers more often.

All Is Well!

Just returned home from the doctor's office. He was able to see the baby with the transabdominal ultrasound (no more plastic probe, YAY!) Baby's heart rate was 186 bpm, normal for my stage today (9 weeks, 2 days). He didn't measure because the heart looked so good. He said the spotting was likely the result of the internal probe on Wednesday and it just took a couple of days to show up. We are immensely relieved.

I threw up in the car on the way home. Luckily, I brought a trash bag along just in case. I suspect that I am suffering from dehydration. I have several symptoms-very little urine output, very dry skin, dry mouth, chills, etc. My doctor gave us till Monday to rehydrate manually. He recommends sipping Gatorade, Kool-aid, etc. since water makes me nauseous (breathing makes me nauseous, too, but I must continue!) If I'm still dehydrated on Monday, he is going to order a home nurse to come and administer IV fluids. He said he knows it sounds bad, but it would make me feel a lot better very quickly.

So as I sit here typing, I'm sipping my purple Gatorade like a good girl. Hubby is now monitoring my fluids, which is probably good. It will keep me honest! Thanks to all of you who prayed and thought of me over the last 24 hours.

Spotting & Scared

Unfortunately, I started spotting this afternoon. There's been no bright red bleeding, just a steady light brown for several hours. I am, of course, quite scared. I called my doctor's office and was told that if it increases, I should go to the ER. If not, he will see me in his office for an ultrasound at 10:15 a.m. to see if the baby's still okay.

The medical assistant told me that the fact that we have a good ultrasound just two days ago, and the fact that it is light spotting are all good signs, but still I fear. I am hoping and praying that all is well, but I'm not sure I will breathe a sigh of relief with this pregnancy until we make it through this first trimester. My nerves are shot.

Thankfully, a good friend is coming to sit with GG so my husband can go with me in the morning. I have horrible flashbacks of the day I got the bad news from an ultrasound the last time and I was alone. I don't want that to happen again. I just keep watching the DVD of the one I had on Wednesday, seeing the little bean move around in there and trying to hold on to hope. I'll update after the appointment tomorrow either way.

Home From My Trip

I just got home from my foray to Atlanta, Georgia for a ladies' gathering related to church. I had a great time. Still no pregnancy symptoms, aside from good, old-fashioned exhaustion. I might have had a wave or two of nausea, but it's hard to know if that was from travelling, lots of high-fat food, and extra fatigue, or from pregnancy.

I pulled out my pregnancy journal that I kept when I was pregnant with my daughter tonight. According to it, my morning sickness didn't start with her until I was 7 weeks pregnant and didn't get bad enough to require medication until 9 weeks. That would mean that if this pregnancy continues and follows that same trend, I won't start feeling sick until a week and a half from now or so. Today, I am 5 weeks, 3 days pregnant and everything seems okay. I'm resting in the knowledge that God has a plan for me and He is good, no matter what the future holds. I'm so grateful that the character of my God doesn't change with my circumstances.

I Have Issues

After compulsively calling home to check my answering machine this morning for an hour after the doctor's office opened at 9:00 a.m., I finally called them to check my HCG results. My level on Monday was 610! I was very excited and shaky (because I was very nervous and shaky before that) and I quickly hung up. I forgot to ask when I should come back in for more blood work or an ultrasound. I called right back and they said someone will call me this afternoon with that information because my doctor won't be in until after 2:00 p.m. It's now almost 4:00 and no one's called. I'm trying not to be a pain in the butt, realizing I'm not the only patient there.

As I calculated in my head, I realize that my levels almost quadrupled in 3 days, not just doubled. My new fear? Molar pregnancy. That's right folks, after a few minutes of revelling in my good news, my mind immediately turned to what else could be wrong if it's not ectopic. I have doom and gloom issues. So now I've read several things on that topic and I'm not reassured. If it is something like that, the only thing to do is wait and see. It's too early to tell on ultrasound. So why can't I just relax and assume it's just an ordinary healthy pregnancy? It's not in my nature, and I'm just not ready to accept the possibility yet. If I do, my hopes have a lot further to fall if something happens. Time will tell I guess!

Another Day

I'm feeling amazingly peaceful today. The Scripture I found yesterday really rooted in my heart, and I have a sense that everything will be okay, even if it's not okay. I know it sounds like it doesn't make sense, but I know I will make it through this, no matter what "this" is.

Last night, I went out for a girls' night with 6 of my friends. Several were talking about the horribleness of pregnancy, a topic which still tugs on my heart, especially with what's going on right now. I got quiet and focused on my food. While I also hated the morning sickness of pregnancy, the rest of it was a beautiful experience for me. The baby moving inside, the anticipation of the birth. . .those are the parts I long to experience again. As one friend commented that she felt like it was an alien taking over her body, my sister noticed how quiet I was and made eye contact, quietly making sure I was okay. I assured her I was fine. She and I have always had kind of a special connection that way, and I so appreciate her sensitivity.

She gave me a Willow Tree Angel of Hope for my birthday. I couldn't even express to her how loved it made me feel. Right now, she only knows that I hope to have another child someday and she doesn't want me to lose hope. She has no idea that I'm pregnant now and fighting to keep hope that this baby will be viable and will survive. Without even knowing it, she's fanning the flame of hope in my heart. That's what sisters are for I guess!

This morning the pain in my side is much less. I hope this continues, as an ectopic pregnancy is even more scary than another miscarriage. I'm holding on to Jesus in the midst of this storm of fear. He's the only one who can see me through to the other side.