Doppler

Well, I ignored my good friend, Sara's advice (see comment on my prior post-sorry, Sara!) and bought a home doppler. I got it from Smartmomma.com and paid for expedited shipping (I'm SO impatient) so I got it today. I then spent the better part of 20 minutes searching for the baby's heartbeat, which I found several times, but never for more than 5 seconds or so. The thing didn't come with a battery so I "borrowed" one from our smoke detector, which probably isn't at full power, so I couldn't get the display screen to accurately count the beats. It kept saying crazy stuff like 70 and 82, but I could clearly hear that it was a rapid baby heartbeat. So I checked with the clock (counted for 10 seconds, then multiplied by 6) and it was actually 156 bpm-which is normal.

I mashed around so long and so hard (and was covered in the stupid gel stuff when I was done) that I actually made my skin sore, so I spent the next hour or so being worried that I may have harmed the baby somehow. I'm over it now, as I'm sure he or she is fine inside the little sac of fluid, but I'll probably only check for the HB once every few days just to be safe. 15 weeks today, YAY!

Checking In-14 weeks, 4 days

I realized today that my worry level must have decreased a bit because I haven't felt the need to blog about it in a while. I think I'm feeling a tiny bit of movement, but really can't be sure because it's so early. How excited I will be when I start feeling regular kicks! I can hardly wait.

GG is too excited for words (well, not really, anyone who knows her know she's never without words). She asks questions about the baby every day-how big, where in my tummy, can the baby taste that? etc. She suffers from a little worry also, which I'm sure is normal after a loss. The other day, she was hanging on me or something and I told her to stop because it made my tummy hurt. She backed up immediately with worried eyes and said, "You mean it might make the baby die?" I assured her that nothing she could do would make the baby die, and she looked relieved. I felt bad for saying anything that might lead her down that thought path.

I'm still getting sick, which is actually just making me mad now. I thought I remembered all sickness abating at 14 weeks with GG, but then again, it may have been at the end of the 14th week. I'm holding out hope. I didn't throw up for two whole days and thought maybe it was over, then it came back with a vengeance Saturday morning and all day long on Sunday. Today it was just the morning, which is much easier to handle. I really hope I'm not sick the whole 9 months. I am not a good sick person.

Overall, all is well. I'm contemplating renting a home doppler unit so we can listen to the baby's heartbeat whenever we want. When I'm feeling a bit anxious, I could just quickly make sure it's still beating, and I like instant gratification. I'll blog about it if I decide to order one. I would pester my doctor a lot less!

We Made It!!!

Well, the baby officially made it through the first trimester. Ultrasound today at 12 weeks, 6 days showed that all is well. Heart rate is 161 bpm, CRL is 13 weeks, 3 days. God is good!

We took GG out to dinner tonight to tell her the news. It was so much fun. We ordered our drinks and after they came she was anxious to get her food (Chinese buffet). We had told her in the car that we had a surprise for her. I told her to sit still a minute and wait, that I had something to show her. I handed her the ultrasound picture and she said rather loudly, "You have a BABY!!" I told her yes. She reiterated, "There's a BABY in your tummy???" When we again told her there was she started squealing and giggling madly. It was the most adorable thing.

We came home and she called her friend, Lily to tell her the news. They giggled about it on the phone. Then I showed her the DVD of the ultrasound from today. She restarted it about 10 times, talking about how cute the baby is and how much she already loves it. She asked if the doctor was measuring the heartbeat to make sure it is healthy and doesn't die like our "other" baby. I said that's why the doctor watches and measures. I told her we hope that doesn't happen this time. She is absolutely ecstatic. I have one special girl on my hands.

Today Is The Day

. . .and I'm a nervous wreck. Part of me is excited in anticipation of telling GG the good news tonight. Another part of me is terrified that I'm going to get bad news at my appointment. I've made it till lunch, which when I got up this morning seemed impossible. Now just three and a half more hours till I have the ultrasound (or until I go to the appointment, which could end up with an hour wait before I get the ultrasound).

I will say, I talked with two really good friends and my sister-in-law yesterday briefly. They all told me they would be praying for me last night and today. For the last few nights, I've had visions of horrible news dancing in my head and dreams. Last night, as I lay there in bed on the cusp of sleep, I found myself daydreaming about the actual birth experience with this little one, nursing him or her for the first time. . .and then I jolted. Where did those thoughts come from? I suddenly had this unexplainable certainty that someone was praying for me. And it didn't stop there! I dreamt last night that the ultrasound went beautifully and the baby looked great.

This may not seem like a big deal, but considering that I've had horrible, tormenting nightmares about different miscarriage scenarios for the last three or four nights, I think it is a miracle. So. . thanks to all my prayer warriors out there. And thanks to all my awesome friends. Just as I was on the verge of freak out this morning, I got an e-mail from a friend reminding me of the scripture I posted on here a few days ago from Psalm 139:16. It was a timely reminder that I'm not the one in control. I've had it open on my desktop reading it every 15 minutes or so ever since.

I'll post again later tonight-hopefully with great news!

Olives & Ice Cream?

Okay, not eaten together, don't panic. . .I think I'm at that weird "in between" point where the sickness is better, but still hanging around now and then. This means that some foods are tasting really good, but come back to bite me later. I hope today is not one of those days.

For the last three days, I can't seem to get enough green olives. I have eaten a whole jar and a half by myself (no one else in my house likes them). Then for the last four days, I've been dying for some strawberry ice cream. Hubby, GG and I went to Sam's Club yesterday for dog food, etc. and all they had was vanilla or Neopolitan flavors, so I bought the Neopolitan thinking the strawberry in there would suffice. NO WAY. The flavor was artificial and left a horrible after taste.

Today I think I went a little crazy. The stores are all closed for Easter and I really wanted that strawberry ice cream. I drove 10-12 miles to a Baskin Robbins to get some, then opened and ate some of my quart in the parking lot. I've also had a bowl since I got home and may still have more before bed. It tastes so delicious it's actually an emotional experience. I think I'm in the home stretch for the morning sickness. Hallelujah!!!!!

12 Weeks Today

Well, I'm officially 12 weeks today, but won't be thoroughly relieved until I have my ultrasound next week at 12 weeks, 6 days. This will prove that the baby actually made it through the first trimester. I'm still pretty nauseous off and on (lost my dinner last night-won't be eating vegetable beef soup again for a WHILE), but now I've become paranoid that my belly isn't getting any bigger. I'm afraid I may be shrinking.

Nothing much to base it on. I wear mostly stretchy pants anyway so this fear is all subjective, but then what fear isn't? I'm holding on to a promise my sister-in-law posted on Facebook several weeks ago that has really stuck with me: Psalm 139:16 "your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." I'm not the one forming this baby anyway. All his or her days were written before one of them came to be. I'm trying to rest in that.

Update on Me

So it appears that the nausea is on the downhill side-FINALLY. I still heave once every morning, have unpredictable waves of nausea during the day, and absolutely cannot allow myself to get hungry enough for my tummy to growl, but overall I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel. If this follows the same pattern it did with my first (healthy) pregnancy, all nausea and extreme food aversion should be gone by week 14-now less than three weeks away! My morale is definitely better because even though I know morning sickness is a good sign, feeling it constantly was very depressing. Thanks for all you guys who are praying for me. It really helps!! 11 weeks, 3 days and counting!

Ultrasound-10 weeks, 6 days

I had another ultrasound today, but no DVD this time so no picture to post. When my doctor came in, he asked how I was and I told him I'd been feeling better for the last three days and was now worried that was a bad sign. He said, "I figured you'd say something like that," which I took to mean, most women start to feel a little better at this stage and it's normal, but he knows I'm a worrier after last time (rightly so). He did another transabdominal scan (which is external, thank goodness) and found the baby immediately. The CRL measured 10 weeks, 5 days-which is 3 days off from last time, but he said it's normal to have some fluctuation. The heart rate was 168 bpm, very healthy and strong. So. . .it appears my worries were for nothing, something I am very grateful for. I intend to fully appreciate every nausea-free moment I have over the next few weeks, until it's gone altogether. I have another scan in two weeks. If all looks good at that one, we intend to tell GG about her impending big sisterhood. Here's hoping!!!

On a spiritual note, as I was driving to the appointment, I was thinking about how God sees me and that if I was going to get bad news, he already knows it's coming. I pictured him bracing himself for my sorrow that was to come, knowing he grieves with his children. As I was having these thoughts, a whisper blew across my heart that said something like, "He anticipates your joy with excitement, not just your pain with sorrow." I, being the pessimist I am, didn't really listen at the time, so invested in my worry was I. After the scan went well, I think I felt a bit convicted for not taking the encouragement that was being offered. I am thankful for a God that gets excited when he knows I'm about to get good news. I should listen to his whispers more often.