To those of you who are mourning. . .

So I've thought of a possible "use" for this blog, but it completely depends on you, the readers. I'd be willing to maintain or create new content, IF I have folks to interact with. So my thought is. . .anyone who's currently mourning a pregnancy loss and just needs support from someone who's been there, leave a comment. I'd be more than happy to offer you a listening "ear" in the midst of your pain. Or if you're pregnant again after miscarriage and just need someone to share your fears or your news or your joy with, I'd be honored to be that person. Sometimes it can be easier to type to a faceless friend than to talk to a supporter in person. It's just an idea, and it might be a bad one. I have the blog set up to notify me when you comment, so feel free to try it out. I'm here in the blogosphere, with cyberhugs a plenty. . .

Missing Baby #2 Today

This pregnancy is going by without complication. Minor inconveniences to be sure and discomfort, but this little girl is healthy and moves like crazy! That's why today I was taken aback by my emotions. I was sitting here listening to some Christian music by Natalie Grant, specifically the song "Held." It talks about parents losing a little one and the line, "The promise was that when everything fell, we'd be held." I suddenly found myself weeping about the baby we lost last summer. I'm so excited about this new little girl, yet it doesn't make the pain of the loss of my child who's in heaven go away. Emotions are crazy things, aren't they?

We are at 25 weeks now and counting. Thank God for all the blessings in my life. . .

Today Is The Day

. . .and I'm a nervous wreck. Part of me is excited in anticipation of telling GG the good news tonight. Another part of me is terrified that I'm going to get bad news at my appointment. I've made it till lunch, which when I got up this morning seemed impossible. Now just three and a half more hours till I have the ultrasound (or until I go to the appointment, which could end up with an hour wait before I get the ultrasound).

I will say, I talked with two really good friends and my sister-in-law yesterday briefly. They all told me they would be praying for me last night and today. For the last few nights, I've had visions of horrible news dancing in my head and dreams. Last night, as I lay there in bed on the cusp of sleep, I found myself daydreaming about the actual birth experience with this little one, nursing him or her for the first time. . .and then I jolted. Where did those thoughts come from? I suddenly had this unexplainable certainty that someone was praying for me. And it didn't stop there! I dreamt last night that the ultrasound went beautifully and the baby looked great.

This may not seem like a big deal, but considering that I've had horrible, tormenting nightmares about different miscarriage scenarios for the last three or four nights, I think it is a miracle. So. . thanks to all my prayer warriors out there. And thanks to all my awesome friends. Just as I was on the verge of freak out this morning, I got an e-mail from a friend reminding me of the scripture I posted on here a few days ago from Psalm 139:16. It was a timely reminder that I'm not the one in control. I've had it open on my desktop reading it every 15 minutes or so ever since.

I'll post again later tonight-hopefully with great news!

My Solution for Today

I say it's a solution for today because things tend to work for me one minute, and not necessarily the next. Once I calmed down from my anger at the disregard shown to me by the medical assistant, I remembered one thing she suggested-ice chips. So after lunch as I was hanging over my trash can at work (I'm sure the folks there LOVE me right now), I asked one of my friends if she would go get me a cup of ice from the ice machine downstairs. I also got a can of plain Coca-Cola, not to drink completely, but to flavor the ice (plain ice can be hard to stomach for me). So far, so good. It's not enough flavor to start the bad taste syndrome, but enough to make the ice palatable, and hopefully not enough caffeine to do any harm. So far, I'm on my second heaping cup and it's tasting pretty good. So I guess the condescending lady gets a point for one helpful tip. Wow, am I bitter today or what?

Spotting & Scared

Unfortunately, I started spotting this afternoon. There's been no bright red bleeding, just a steady light brown for several hours. I am, of course, quite scared. I called my doctor's office and was told that if it increases, I should go to the ER. If not, he will see me in his office for an ultrasound at 10:15 a.m. to see if the baby's still okay.

The medical assistant told me that the fact that we have a good ultrasound just two days ago, and the fact that it is light spotting are all good signs, but still I fear. I am hoping and praying that all is well, but I'm not sure I will breathe a sigh of relief with this pregnancy until we make it through this first trimester. My nerves are shot.

Thankfully, a good friend is coming to sit with GG so my husband can go with me in the morning. I have horrible flashbacks of the day I got the bad news from an ultrasound the last time and I was alone. I don't want that to happen again. I just keep watching the DVD of the one I had on Wednesday, seeing the little bean move around in there and trying to hold on to hope. I'll update after the appointment tomorrow either way.

Ultrasound-7 weeks, 6 days

The day finally came and all is well at this point! I'm immensely relieved, but still apprehensive (I know, I'm a dark and twisty one). My hubby wasn't able to meet me there because our little one is sick and at home today, so my sister came so I wouldn't be alone in case of bad news.

My doctor did the scan with the internal probe. He came in and before he even started said "I'm sure it's going to look just fine." Optimism is good. He talked me through the whole thing because he could tell how worried I was. "I'm just getting my bearings, hold on." He found the baby easily and we saw the heartbeat. Even better, he was able to turn on the speakers and we actually heard the heartbeat. Why is that sound so powerful? Seeing it was great, but I actually got tears in my eyes when I heard it, at a beautiful 156 bpm. The baby is measuring 7 weeks, 5 days today. He said one day different from the calendar calculations is perfectly normal. They don't worry unless it's off by more than a week and a half. He even burned me a DVD of the whole ultrasound to take home. All in all, a wonderful experience.

When he was finished and came back in to talk to me, I told him I was concerned that if he didn't bring me back in for a whole month like last time, I'd sit and worry that something was wrong. Last time, we saw the heartbeat at 8 weeks, the baby died between 9 and 10 weeks, and we didn't know anything was wrong until almost 12 weeks. I don't want to repeat that. My awesome doctor said that just to ease my mind, he will bring me back in once a week until the first trimester is over and check an ultrasound each time. I almost hugged him. I'm so glad that I will only have one week intervals of wondering if all is well.

We cautiously told our immediate family and a few close friends the news today. We asked them all to keep it under the radar for now. Everyone is excited and supportive and I'm relieved to have it out in the open a bit. Covering this awful nausea is a challenge for me and at least now, those I'm closest to can know what's really going on (I think a couple of my friends were worried I was developing a serious health problem). I'm trying very hard to just sit back and enjoy this immense blessing we have right now, and praying that this child continues to grow healthily and flourish in a wonderful way. The fear still rests in the back of my mind, but I know I'm rapidly getting more attached to this beautiful little life that's growing inside of me.

Still Here

7 weeks, 2 days today and of course, still sick. Sleep is my only respite so I try and sleep a lot. This morning, I slept until almost 9 a.m. and got up feeling okay. Thought if I could get my Zofran pill and breakfast in quickly, maybe I wouldn't dry heave. Opened the bread wrapper to put the toast into the toaster and the smell of the bread sent me running to the bathroom. BREAD-not exactly a pungent odor. My hubby was kind enough to make his coffee in the single brew pot this morning. The big pot has "aroma vents." I thanked him profusely.

Stayed home from church band practice last night because I'm an ugly sick person and I can't hide it. We will expand the inner circle of people who know after the ultrasound on Wednesday, but until then, I've been avoiding most of my friends. One of them thinks I'm mad at her. I've assured her I'm not, that I just don't feel well. She'll understand after she knows. She's had 3 miscarriages herself and last time didn't tell anybody she was pregnant until almost 15 weeks.

So I'm hanging in here. 6.5 more weeks of this sounds like a long time, but I pray this baby also hangs in there. I told my hubby last night that if this one doesn't stick, I'm going to seriously consider adoption. I am not good at being sick.

Doctor's Appointment Change

Argh! My ultrasound was scheduled for Monday, March 9th. Yesterday, my doctor's office called and rescheduled it to Wednesday, March 11th. They're killing me here. I am not a patient person no matter what definition you use, and two more days seems like forever! I will survive, of course.

I'm starting to feel the beginnings of nausea. It's not too severe at this point, just the occasional wave of "ewe, that stinks." Coffee started stinking yesterday so I know it's coming. Six weeks, 2 days today!

Home From My Trip

I just got home from my foray to Atlanta, Georgia for a ladies' gathering related to church. I had a great time. Still no pregnancy symptoms, aside from good, old-fashioned exhaustion. I might have had a wave or two of nausea, but it's hard to know if that was from travelling, lots of high-fat food, and extra fatigue, or from pregnancy.

I pulled out my pregnancy journal that I kept when I was pregnant with my daughter tonight. According to it, my morning sickness didn't start with her until I was 7 weeks pregnant and didn't get bad enough to require medication until 9 weeks. That would mean that if this pregnancy continues and follows that same trend, I won't start feeling sick until a week and a half from now or so. Today, I am 5 weeks, 3 days pregnant and everything seems okay. I'm resting in the knowledge that God has a plan for me and He is good, no matter what the future holds. I'm so grateful that the character of my God doesn't change with my circumstances.

A Long Wait Ahead

I heard back from the NP at my doctor's office. She reiterated that my numbers are rising as they should. I asked her if I should be concerned about the more than doubling HCG and she said absolutely not. She said they want it to at least double and mine is good. The bad news? He doesn't want to see me again for THREE WEEKS. I am going to lose my mind. I know that the ultrasound at what will be 7 weeks, 4 days is a normal time to do one as they won't be able to see much before then, but part of me was hoping there wouldn't be such a gap this time. That's a long wait when you're a worrier like me!

I Have Issues

After compulsively calling home to check my answering machine this morning for an hour after the doctor's office opened at 9:00 a.m., I finally called them to check my HCG results. My level on Monday was 610! I was very excited and shaky (because I was very nervous and shaky before that) and I quickly hung up. I forgot to ask when I should come back in for more blood work or an ultrasound. I called right back and they said someone will call me this afternoon with that information because my doctor won't be in until after 2:00 p.m. It's now almost 4:00 and no one's called. I'm trying not to be a pain in the butt, realizing I'm not the only patient there.

As I calculated in my head, I realize that my levels almost quadrupled in 3 days, not just doubled. My new fear? Molar pregnancy. That's right folks, after a few minutes of revelling in my good news, my mind immediately turned to what else could be wrong if it's not ectopic. I have doom and gloom issues. So now I've read several things on that topic and I'm not reassured. If it is something like that, the only thing to do is wait and see. It's too early to tell on ultrasound. So why can't I just relax and assume it's just an ordinary healthy pregnancy? It's not in my nature, and I'm just not ready to accept the possibility yet. If I do, my hopes have a lot further to fall if something happens. Time will tell I guess!

Doctor Visit-4 weeks, 4 days

I just finished at the doctor's office. My doctor said my progesterone from Friday is normal and my HCG is "low." Not sure what that means since his NP yesterday said it was normal in early pregnancy. He then came back in and said it was normal for early. I'm still a bit confused. Most things I've read online say 120 HCG is definitely in the normal range for 4 weeks, 1 day, which is what I was when they did it.

In any event, he is repeating the HCG today. He said he'll have it back in a day or so, like it was no big deal. Then the phlebotomist came in and drew my blood, put the HCG vial in a bag marked "stat" and said it would be back in 4-5 hours and that they would page my doctor when the results arrived. This makes it seem a lot more urgent than what he said to me personally.

My doctor said he won't do an ultrasound till my HCG levels reach 3000-4000, which by my calculations would be next week. Unfortunately, he was so rushed today that he didn't even tell me when to schedule a follow up. This is not like him. He's normally very attentive and careful to answer any questions. I'm going to chalk it up to a busy day for him. Everybody has them. He also warned me that he saw that the pap smear he did caused me to bleed a little, so when I see some spotting over the next day or so, not to panic. Glad to have that warning ahead of time, because "panic" is my middle name.

I guess by this time tomorrow, I'll know if my HCG levels are doubling appropriately. I hate waiting.

Results

I just got a call from my doctor's nurse practitioner (at 7:30 p.m. on a Sunday night!!). She said my HCG levels on Friday were 120 and my progesterone was 49.2. The HCG level is "normal for early pregnancy" and the progesterone is "very good." The wait continues.

The pain in my lower left pelvis has actually subsided (or at least let up to very intermittent), which I believe is a good sign. Unfortunately, a pain in my upper right abdomen that I was convinced was related to an adhesion of endometriosis reared its ugly head yesterday. Can endo adhesions still cause pain when you're pregnant? I really don't know. I've had a lot of gassy pains since a little bowel attack yesterday. I wonder if it could be pulling on scar tissue from an adhesion? I guess only time will tell. One day (hour, minute, second) at a time.

Another Day

I'm feeling amazingly peaceful today. The Scripture I found yesterday really rooted in my heart, and I have a sense that everything will be okay, even if it's not okay. I know it sounds like it doesn't make sense, but I know I will make it through this, no matter what "this" is.

Last night, I went out for a girls' night with 6 of my friends. Several were talking about the horribleness of pregnancy, a topic which still tugs on my heart, especially with what's going on right now. I got quiet and focused on my food. While I also hated the morning sickness of pregnancy, the rest of it was a beautiful experience for me. The baby moving inside, the anticipation of the birth. . .those are the parts I long to experience again. As one friend commented that she felt like it was an alien taking over her body, my sister noticed how quiet I was and made eye contact, quietly making sure I was okay. I assured her I was fine. She and I have always had kind of a special connection that way, and I so appreciate her sensitivity.

She gave me a Willow Tree Angel of Hope for my birthday. I couldn't even express to her how loved it made me feel. Right now, she only knows that I hope to have another child someday and she doesn't want me to lose hope. She has no idea that I'm pregnant now and fighting to keep hope that this baby will be viable and will survive. Without even knowing it, she's fanning the flame of hope in my heart. That's what sisters are for I guess!

This morning the pain in my side is much less. I hope this continues, as an ectopic pregnancy is even more scary than another miscarriage. I'm holding on to Jesus in the midst of this storm of fear. He's the only one who can see me through to the other side.

Update

I had blood drawn at the doctor's office a little while ago. I will not go in to see him tomorrow. They told me they will run my HCG and have the results by Monday, then draw blood to run it again, and have the results back by Tuesday morning. I'm not sure if he'll attempt an ultrasound before I leave to go out of town. The medical assistant says he usually doesn't until at least 8 weeks. Maybe he'll be more cautious because of my history of tubal scarring? Not sure.

On a lighter note, the girls in my doctor's office seem to treat me with a lot more familiarity than before. The girl who drew my blood today, Jen, is the same one who attended me on the day I had the ultrasound that found the miscarriage. She was very sweet and kind to me then, and today, she was equally so. We agreed that we hope our next several encounters will be for pleasant reasons. I asked her about the antique ultrasound machine my doctor was using before, and to my relief, she said he got a new one! After she took my blood, she took me around to the other side of the office and showed it to me. It looks very high tech. I can't explain why this makes me feel so much better. The thought of seeing that old machine that helped deliver such awful news before was making me anxious. The human mind is a dark and twisty place.

Doctor Visit-4 weeks, 1 day

I finally called my doctor's office today because of the level of left sided pelvic pain I'm having. They're having me come in today for bloodwork even though I'm only 4 weeks, 1 day and then in tomorrow to see my doctor. I'm nervous because I don't even know what they can tell at this stage. From what I've read, even on transvaginal ultrasound, the gestational sac isn't visible for another several days or even a week. I'm supposed to go out of town on Thursday the 19th, and I'm really hoping for some kind of definitive answer by then, or that my doctor can advise me if it's still safe to go. I won't know much more until I see him tomorrow. It's also nerve wracking because the last time I saw him on a Saturday, my miscarriage was discovered.

I just hope if this is ectopic, they find it very soon and deal with it, so it doesn't endanger my fertility or worse yet, my life.

Ectopic Pregnancy?

My new fear is that this pregnancy is ectopic. I'm going out of town-far from my doctor-next weekend and I'm terrified that it will rupture and I will bleed out!! I have been having menstrual type pain all day intermittently in my extreme lower left pelvic area (near the pubic bone), and I'm so afraid that means a tubal pregnancy. I made an appointment to see my doctor on Monday, but I'm not even sure he'll be able to tell what's going on by then. At that point, I will only be 4 weeks, 4 days pregnant.

Have any of my readers had moderate pelvic pain on one side in early pregnancy and everything turned out all right? I'm so scared and would really appreciate any comments that might give me hope. No horror stories, please!!

The Test is. . .Positive?

This is so ironic to me. The first month I didn't really give it as much thought. . .I'm pregnant? Late last week, I started having mild menstrual aching in my pelvic area and I was hoping I wasn't going to start early. My LMP was January 15th and I'm due to start on February 12th.

I have endometriosis and normally the week before my period, my abdominal pain starts to accelerate intensely, doubling me over by the week of my period. This month, my stomach stopped hurting about a week after my period ended and never started back. This was my first clue that something out of the ordinary was going on.

I went out on my lunch hour from work yesterday and bought an HPT, early detection (yesterday was cycle day 25-3 full days before I'm due to start) and I took it in the bathroom at work. I was sure I detected a faint line in the test area, and spent a lot of the afternoon pulling it out to look at it-over and over. I'm a compulsive tester with a touch of OCD.:-)

I brought the test home and showed it to my husband. He said he might see something but wasn't really sure. We should test again on Thursday if I didn't start. I heartily agreed and promised myself to save the second test in the box till Thursday morning.

Did I mention that I'm a compulsive tester? This morning, I had an extra 10 minutes on the way to my daughter's dance class, so I ran into Walgreens and picked up a digital test (you know, the kind that says "pregnant" or "not pregnant.") After my girl went into her class, I took the test into the bathroom at her dance school and did it. After what seemed like hours of the little hourglass turning, it came out . . .positive!! I was shocked and terrified. I called my hubby on my cell to tell him and he suggested I go ahead and make an appointment with the doctor.

I haven't made the appointment yet because honestly, I think I'm in denial. I'm excited and hopeful, but also scared and a little sad. I feel like half the battle (getting pregnant) is past but the other half (staying pregnant) is just beginning. I just feel so powerless. Other than the usual precautions (no caffeine, no hot tubs, etc.) there is nothing I can do to keep this baby safe. I hope and pray I make it through this.

Background

We had to wait 2 months after my miscarriage to start trying again. I have endometriosis, which blocks at least one of my fallopian tubes. Both were blocked, but in February 2008, I had a laparoscopy during which the right side opened. We've been trying for 4 months and this month, because I was so frustrated, I didn't really worry too much about exact timing or anything like that.

We have one beautiful daughter, who was conceived the first month we tried, and this secondary infertility has been very wearing for us. We tried for 10 months before we conceived the baby we lost, so it's been well over a year since we decided to add to our family. Infertility is like a constant reminder of my little one in heaven. My due date was February 2nd, 2009 and I had hoped to be pregnant again by then but it was not to be. . .