She's Here!!

Okay, so she's actually been here for about 6 weeks. If you've ever had a newborn AND a second child, you understand the lateness of my announcement!

My beautiful baby girl, who shall hereafter be referred to as AG for blogging purposes, arrived on October 20th, 2009 at 2:39 p.m. via scheduled C-section. She weighed in at a hefty 9 pounds, 5 ounces and was 21.5 inches long. I cannot believe after all the preterm labor scares, she actually waited till the scheduled day.

I had a rough few days of recovery post C-section due to a horrible cold with a cough. Ever had an abdominal incision and a cough at the same time? If not, consider yourself fortunate! Once that issue resolved, I felt better pretty quickly.

AG is a gorgeous baby (I may be a little biased, but not too much, really!). She is already sleeping well at night and nursing like a champ. I feel so blessed to have my two sweet little girls.

I'm not sure the best way to utilize this blog now that the pregnancy is over. If I have any regular readers left after the two month hiatus of no posting, I am open to your suggestions. I started this blog as a way to diary my pregnancy and have an outlet for my anxiety as we slowly passed the "risky" phase for miscarriage. We're not absolutely sure we're finished having babies but we're done for a few years at least. I would love to be a support to any newly pregnant mommies out there who have experienced a loss and need to talk about their worries during pregnancy, but I'm just not sure I have the reader base for that. I guess we'll see what happens naturally here. Post a comment if you have a suggestion for what direction we should take this blog!

38 Weeks & Counting

I know. . .I know! Long time, no update. Basically we've been doing about the same so nothing really to report. I am 38 weeks, 3 days today and she's still in there! Apparently we were very convincing when we stopped premature progression at 33 weeks. I stayed on modified bedrest (just a lot of sitting but I still worked) until 36 weeks, then kind of took it easy till 37 weeks. Now I'm sort of wishing she would come. Well, not today, it's GG's birthday and I'd rather they not share that date, but soon.

As it stands, I'm scheduled for a repeat C-section on October 20th at 1:30 p.m. if she doesn't try and make an appearance before then. I'm back to my normal activities (and then some!) because I have this OCD urge to clean everything. I've had that urge for about 2 months now so even if it is "nesting" it's apparently a long term thing for me. So. . .we're just sitting tight, waiting to meet this little beauty. Big sis turned 5 today so it was a big day for her! My doctor agreed to let me off work starting this week so that's a huge relief. I'm not sleeping at night and at least now I can nap some during the day this week. I'll try and keep the blog updated but no promises!

Modified Bedrest-33 weeks, 5 days

I've been neglecting to post here and for that I am sorry. A lot has been going on so I'll try to summarize.

All was going along as expected until last Wednesday. I woke up and noticed that my belly had "dropped" and was much lower than the day before. It was so obvious that one of my co-workers actually noticed it, too. As the day wore on, I developed more and more pelvic pressure (and pressure in other unmentionable regions) that was only relieved when I lay down once I got home that evening. Overnight, the pressure in the area of my cervix increased, even when I was lying down. The next day, I had some errands planned so I decided to get in to the doctor early in the day just to be checked and make sure it was just her change in position that was causing the pressure.

The doctor was not in so the nurse practitioner saw me. She checked me and immediately developed a look of concern. She said the baby's head was "right there" and I was 80% effaced and 2-3 cm dilated. Not what you want to hear at 33 weeks pregnant. They put me on a monitor for about half an hour but I wasn't really contracting. The NP then said she called my doctor and he wanted me to go to the hospital for more extensive monitoring. I asked if it was okay to first go home and shower (GG and I had basically rolled out of bed and gone in for an early appointment). They told me to go home, shower, and pack a bag because I could be there hours or days, depending on what they found. The NP said I would most likely be on complete bed rest until at least 36 weeks.

I left the office in a bit of a panic, not wanting this baby to come so early that she'd have to stay in NICU. I knew she'd survive and had an underlying peace that she'd be okay, but this was not how I wanted things to go! I called several friends and family members and asked them to start praying. Hubby met me at home and took GG to a friend's house for the evening and we packed a quick bag and went in to the labor and delivery unit at the hospital. They put me on the monitor. Baby's heartbeat was good and no contractions. We sat there for probably 2 hours while they watched her. They were confused as to why I was there because the NP had not called to tell them I was coming. The house doctor checked me and said she agreed that I was 80% effaced but that my cervix was high and posterior and maybe dilated only about half a cm. She hurt me badly trying to measure it. They sent me home on "regular" activities and I was told to keep my regular appointment with the doctor in the morning.

I left the hospital feeling very confused. I know it's possible that God closed my cervix and I am grateful for that, but the conflicting reports left me a bit baffled and annoyed. I went to see my OB the next morning. He said I was dilated an unknown amount and he wasn't going to hurt me to find out just how much. I was also effaced and he felt it was a bit early to see that progression. The final verdict was that I would go home with a modified activity level and come back the next week for further evaluation. Basically, no walking or standing (no grocery shopping, etc.) and I was to sit as much as possible to keep the pressure off my cervix. I was told I'm allowed to go to work (office job), but to drive there, go to my desk and get up only to use the restroom.

So-here I sit in my recliner. My wonderful hubby is waiting on me hand and foot. I've become a new fan of the TV series Lost because I can watch it on my computer, and it's given me time to catch up on my blogging. Just praying this little princess stays put a few more weeks. . .

Apparently, I Love Predictability

I've decided to go with the repeat C-section. I think I like things predictable, and my fear of going through a long labor attempt only to end up with another section outweighs my desire to try for a VBAC. So. . .this little one will be born on October 20th. . .barring spontaneous labor, which is of course always possible. If that happens, they will do the surgery as soon as labor begins.

One of my holdups about choosing was the fact that GG was expressing a strong desire to be present at the birth. I was not sure if this was a good idea, but willing to explore the possibilities. To investigate her intentions further, we settled in a few weeks ago to watch an episode of "A Baby Story" on TLC. I figured if she could handle that, we would talk some more. As the mommy began to push and her face got red, GG informed me that she found that a little scary. Then when the camera zoomed to that blood covered little baby head in the doctor's hands (they blocked out the mommy's "woman parts"), GG covered her face with a blanket and started to yell, "EEEWWWW, Mommy, that's SO GROSS! Tell me when it's OVER!!" I knew at that point that she liked the idea of being in the room, not the reality. I asked her after the show if she still wanted to be in the room when her little sister comes out and she said, "No WAY! I'll stay with Gramma or something. You can call me in after she's had a BATH." I laughed a bit and then decided on the C-section.

My main concern was having enough help afterwards to take care of GG and the new baby all while on surgical restriction for 3 weeks, BUT my wonderful mother-in-law is coming to stay for a while, as is my step-mom after that, so it looks like we're covered. . .and who wouldn't welcome having someone else come in and do the cooking, cleaning and laundry for a while? Only a crazy person! I'm SO looking forward to meeting this little sweetie!

VBAC vs Repeat C-section??

So we've made it to 26 + weeks and all is well. I saw my doctor on Friday and asked him the question I've been wondering since I had my daughter 4 1/2 years ago. . .VBAC or repeat C-section. His response? "It's totally your decision." Arrgh! I at least wanted some input or feedback of some kind, but nooooo. . .he has to be all woman empowering and stuff. Great!

So I started doing research on my own. The risk of uterine rupture is about 1% with VBAC, but there are all KINDS of risks with a C-section, too! How did I not know this?? I guess since my section with GG was an emergency, I didn't know the risks and in the heat of the moment, didn't care! The worst option according to the information I've found is labor and THEN an emergency C-section. Increases your risk of everything! So what's a girl to do? I'm still on the fence. If she stays breech it's a no-brainer, but we won't know that till the end.

I've gotten WAY more advice than I ever wanted since I started considering my options, just from people I know (or don't know-internet message boards) so I know everyone has an opinion. Problem is, I have to decide for myself. We'll see how the next few weeks unfold. . .

Missing Baby #2 Today

This pregnancy is going by without complication. Minor inconveniences to be sure and discomfort, but this little girl is healthy and moves like crazy! That's why today I was taken aback by my emotions. I was sitting here listening to some Christian music by Natalie Grant, specifically the song "Held." It talks about parents losing a little one and the line, "The promise was that when everything fell, we'd be held." I suddenly found myself weeping about the baby we lost last summer. I'm so excited about this new little girl, yet it doesn't make the pain of the loss of my child who's in heaven go away. Emotions are crazy things, aren't they?

We are at 25 weeks now and counting. Thank God for all the blessings in my life. . .

The Slowest Cremation Process Ever

I'm sitting here tonight waiting for thunderstorms in joyful anticipation. They promise an end to this horrible heat wave. I'm one of those people that hates winter and I would rather be in an air conditioned house in summer than to be suffering through wintertime right now, but this heat is SERIOUS stuff. Combined with the fact that my new little daughter appears to enjoy riding in my chest cavity and you get the picture. I can't breath, I can barely eat, and breathing "air soup" is definitely not high on my list of fun things to do. Try temps in the upper 90s with heat indices over 100 for like 3 weeks now! I have this feeling that I'm slowly being cooked as I stand in the sun for any period of time, hence the title of my post. Is it possible to be cremated alive by the heat? I'm a bit dramatic, I know.

23 weeks along now and already looking forward to holding this baby on the OUTSIDE, where my lungs will have plenty of normal room to expand while I enjoy her company.

My morning at the doctor's office. . .

Last night around 11:30 p.m., I started having what may or may not have been contractions. I had Braxton-Hicks with GG, but only like one or two a week, not every 10 minutes or so for hours. I never had normal labor with her. My water broke and then I had excruciating back labor for two hours before my C-section. So I did all the stuff they tell you to do, changed positions, walked around, drank water, etc. and they continued for like three hours, coming every two minutes to around every 10 minutes. At about 3:00 a.m., I called my doctor's exchange and he called me back. I explained what was going on and that I thought it was contractions (tightening all the way around and uncomfortable) and wasn't sure what to do. He asked me if the baby was moving much and I told him she was actually moving more than usual. He told me it would be much easier for me if I just met him at his office when he got there in the morning at around 8:45 a.m. than it would be to deal with the hospital. I took that to mean he thought I was okay and tried to sleep. I got maybe three hours altogether, then got up and went in to see him.

They did the usual stuff (urine sample, weight check, blood pressure, doppler check on the heartbeat) and said everything looked normal. He then "checked" me and said my cervix was "unlabored," which to me means not dilated or effaced-a good thing to be sure. They put me on the contraction monitor for about 15 minutes and it didn't show anything (I didn't really feel them much anymore anyway by then). He was very nice (as usual) and told me that since my cervix was unchanged there was nothing to worry about. He thinks I'm having more ligament pain and tightening than anything. In fact, he was so okay with my status that he told me to cancel my regular appointment next week and just come back in four weeks like usual. Needless to say, I am relieved but in need of sleep.

This little one has been moving like a crazy jumping bean for the last 24 hours. She's rolling, punching, kicking. . a LOT. I took a nap today and when I woke up, I think she had the hiccups for the first time because my belly was jumping rhythmically for a few minutes. Pregnancy is such an adventure!

Ultrasound Pictures-5/29/09-19 weeks, 1 day

Update-20 weeks

Nothing new to report! I'm starting to feel her move a lot more now, but GG and hubby still can't feel it from the outside. I'm trying to get out sometime soon to get the paper pictures from the ultrasound scanned onto some kind of digital media so I can put them on here. GG and I tried to do it on Tuesday but the power was out at the store we went to. So other than being tired and having a minor "crowded" feeling in my chest, I'm feeling all right!!

I have this urge to shop that I can't seem to shake. It was this way when GG was in there, too, but because of the whole spider bite experience, I couldn't leave the house for that until the third trimester. We've already got her "take home" outfit and now we're on the prowl for a hospital picture one. We already have a TON of girl clothes left from GG, but wanted her to have a few things of her own.

I also FINALLY found an awesome diaper bag. I say finally because I've actually been looking ever since we decided to try again two years ago! I had one I loved with GG and I ruined it in the washing machine. I just haven't been able find one that big, yet cute, since. Until now! Yay for me.

THINK PINK!!!!

That's right, folks. . .it's a GIRL!!! GG got her wish and is having a baby sister. We are all very excited. Everything was good on the ultrasound. She had her little ankles crossed and her knees pressed together when we started, so I was afraid she wouldn't show her stuff. Fortunately, we had an awesome tech who "irritated" her with the probe until she squirmed around and gave us a good shot. She's measuring just over 11 oz. right now. YAY for baby girls!!!

18 weeks, 6 days. . .

And all is well. I feel huge already and I don't remember feeling this way when pregnant with GG. It already feels like my lungs are compressed and all my organs are sitting in my chest. I'm a little concerned because I know that can only get worse from here!

Our "big" ultrasound is scheduled for Friday at 1:30 and I'm so impatient! Two days seems like forever, but then I've already waited weeks. Crazy, huh? So, if Baby #2 cooperates and doesn't have a sudden attack of modesty, we should know if there's a boy or girl in there sometime Friday afternoon!! After I call all the folks on the list, I will definitely post here. For poor GG's sake (see previous post), I kinda hope it's a girl, but we'll be thrilled either way!

17 Weeks, Nothing to Report!

I've been neglecting my blogs lately, so sorry for those of you who read regularly! I'm solidly working through the second trimester now, 17 weeks, 2 days today. The nausea and vomiting is finally over, but it lasted through week 16! Our big ultrasound is scheduled for May 29th and we are all excited to see a healthy baby and to find out if it's a boy or girl. I'm still not sure if I've felt movement yet, thinking I have but wondering if it's gas. Hopefully it will become more pronounced soon. I love feeling my baby move. It's the best feeling ever.

GG continues in her excitement. She has set her heart on a baby sister, and we have been trying to prepare her for the possibility that she may not get what she wants. She refuses to hear of it. I explained the ultrasound process to her, telling her the things they'll measure and how they will tell if it's a boy or girl. She informed me at breakfast this morning that if "it's a vagina, I'll be happy." I almost spit out my breakfast cereal from laughing. I hope she's not disappointed, but I'm sure she'll adjust if she is. I reminded her yesterday that she loves her baby friends Caleb and Luke. She replied, "I like them Mom, I wouldn't say I love them." Again, sometimes she is a funny little girl.

I'll try to do better on my updates. Thanks for reading!

Doppler

Well, I ignored my good friend, Sara's advice (see comment on my prior post-sorry, Sara!) and bought a home doppler. I got it from Smartmomma.com and paid for expedited shipping (I'm SO impatient) so I got it today. I then spent the better part of 20 minutes searching for the baby's heartbeat, which I found several times, but never for more than 5 seconds or so. The thing didn't come with a battery so I "borrowed" one from our smoke detector, which probably isn't at full power, so I couldn't get the display screen to accurately count the beats. It kept saying crazy stuff like 70 and 82, but I could clearly hear that it was a rapid baby heartbeat. So I checked with the clock (counted for 10 seconds, then multiplied by 6) and it was actually 156 bpm-which is normal.

I mashed around so long and so hard (and was covered in the stupid gel stuff when I was done) that I actually made my skin sore, so I spent the next hour or so being worried that I may have harmed the baby somehow. I'm over it now, as I'm sure he or she is fine inside the little sac of fluid, but I'll probably only check for the HB once every few days just to be safe. 15 weeks today, YAY!

Checking In-14 weeks, 4 days

I realized today that my worry level must have decreased a bit because I haven't felt the need to blog about it in a while. I think I'm feeling a tiny bit of movement, but really can't be sure because it's so early. How excited I will be when I start feeling regular kicks! I can hardly wait.

GG is too excited for words (well, not really, anyone who knows her know she's never without words). She asks questions about the baby every day-how big, where in my tummy, can the baby taste that? etc. She suffers from a little worry also, which I'm sure is normal after a loss. The other day, she was hanging on me or something and I told her to stop because it made my tummy hurt. She backed up immediately with worried eyes and said, "You mean it might make the baby die?" I assured her that nothing she could do would make the baby die, and she looked relieved. I felt bad for saying anything that might lead her down that thought path.

I'm still getting sick, which is actually just making me mad now. I thought I remembered all sickness abating at 14 weeks with GG, but then again, it may have been at the end of the 14th week. I'm holding out hope. I didn't throw up for two whole days and thought maybe it was over, then it came back with a vengeance Saturday morning and all day long on Sunday. Today it was just the morning, which is much easier to handle. I really hope I'm not sick the whole 9 months. I am not a good sick person.

Overall, all is well. I'm contemplating renting a home doppler unit so we can listen to the baby's heartbeat whenever we want. When I'm feeling a bit anxious, I could just quickly make sure it's still beating, and I like instant gratification. I'll blog about it if I decide to order one. I would pester my doctor a lot less!

We Made It!!!

Well, the baby officially made it through the first trimester. Ultrasound today at 12 weeks, 6 days showed that all is well. Heart rate is 161 bpm, CRL is 13 weeks, 3 days. God is good!

We took GG out to dinner tonight to tell her the news. It was so much fun. We ordered our drinks and after they came she was anxious to get her food (Chinese buffet). We had told her in the car that we had a surprise for her. I told her to sit still a minute and wait, that I had something to show her. I handed her the ultrasound picture and she said rather loudly, "You have a BABY!!" I told her yes. She reiterated, "There's a BABY in your tummy???" When we again told her there was she started squealing and giggling madly. It was the most adorable thing.

We came home and she called her friend, Lily to tell her the news. They giggled about it on the phone. Then I showed her the DVD of the ultrasound from today. She restarted it about 10 times, talking about how cute the baby is and how much she already loves it. She asked if the doctor was measuring the heartbeat to make sure it is healthy and doesn't die like our "other" baby. I said that's why the doctor watches and measures. I told her we hope that doesn't happen this time. She is absolutely ecstatic. I have one special girl on my hands.

Today Is The Day

. . .and I'm a nervous wreck. Part of me is excited in anticipation of telling GG the good news tonight. Another part of me is terrified that I'm going to get bad news at my appointment. I've made it till lunch, which when I got up this morning seemed impossible. Now just three and a half more hours till I have the ultrasound (or until I go to the appointment, which could end up with an hour wait before I get the ultrasound).

I will say, I talked with two really good friends and my sister-in-law yesterday briefly. They all told me they would be praying for me last night and today. For the last few nights, I've had visions of horrible news dancing in my head and dreams. Last night, as I lay there in bed on the cusp of sleep, I found myself daydreaming about the actual birth experience with this little one, nursing him or her for the first time. . .and then I jolted. Where did those thoughts come from? I suddenly had this unexplainable certainty that someone was praying for me. And it didn't stop there! I dreamt last night that the ultrasound went beautifully and the baby looked great.

This may not seem like a big deal, but considering that I've had horrible, tormenting nightmares about different miscarriage scenarios for the last three or four nights, I think it is a miracle. So. . thanks to all my prayer warriors out there. And thanks to all my awesome friends. Just as I was on the verge of freak out this morning, I got an e-mail from a friend reminding me of the scripture I posted on here a few days ago from Psalm 139:16. It was a timely reminder that I'm not the one in control. I've had it open on my desktop reading it every 15 minutes or so ever since.

I'll post again later tonight-hopefully with great news!

Olives & Ice Cream?

Okay, not eaten together, don't panic. . .I think I'm at that weird "in between" point where the sickness is better, but still hanging around now and then. This means that some foods are tasting really good, but come back to bite me later. I hope today is not one of those days.

For the last three days, I can't seem to get enough green olives. I have eaten a whole jar and a half by myself (no one else in my house likes them). Then for the last four days, I've been dying for some strawberry ice cream. Hubby, GG and I went to Sam's Club yesterday for dog food, etc. and all they had was vanilla or Neopolitan flavors, so I bought the Neopolitan thinking the strawberry in there would suffice. NO WAY. The flavor was artificial and left a horrible after taste.

Today I think I went a little crazy. The stores are all closed for Easter and I really wanted that strawberry ice cream. I drove 10-12 miles to a Baskin Robbins to get some, then opened and ate some of my quart in the parking lot. I've also had a bowl since I got home and may still have more before bed. It tastes so delicious it's actually an emotional experience. I think I'm in the home stretch for the morning sickness. Hallelujah!!!!!

12 Weeks Today

Well, I'm officially 12 weeks today, but won't be thoroughly relieved until I have my ultrasound next week at 12 weeks, 6 days. This will prove that the baby actually made it through the first trimester. I'm still pretty nauseous off and on (lost my dinner last night-won't be eating vegetable beef soup again for a WHILE), but now I've become paranoid that my belly isn't getting any bigger. I'm afraid I may be shrinking.

Nothing much to base it on. I wear mostly stretchy pants anyway so this fear is all subjective, but then what fear isn't? I'm holding on to a promise my sister-in-law posted on Facebook several weeks ago that has really stuck with me: Psalm 139:16 "your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." I'm not the one forming this baby anyway. All his or her days were written before one of them came to be. I'm trying to rest in that.

Update on Me

So it appears that the nausea is on the downhill side-FINALLY. I still heave once every morning, have unpredictable waves of nausea during the day, and absolutely cannot allow myself to get hungry enough for my tummy to growl, but overall I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel. If this follows the same pattern it did with my first (healthy) pregnancy, all nausea and extreme food aversion should be gone by week 14-now less than three weeks away! My morale is definitely better because even though I know morning sickness is a good sign, feeling it constantly was very depressing. Thanks for all you guys who are praying for me. It really helps!! 11 weeks, 3 days and counting!

Ultrasound-10 weeks, 6 days

I had another ultrasound today, but no DVD this time so no picture to post. When my doctor came in, he asked how I was and I told him I'd been feeling better for the last three days and was now worried that was a bad sign. He said, "I figured you'd say something like that," which I took to mean, most women start to feel a little better at this stage and it's normal, but he knows I'm a worrier after last time (rightly so). He did another transabdominal scan (which is external, thank goodness) and found the baby immediately. The CRL measured 10 weeks, 5 days-which is 3 days off from last time, but he said it's normal to have some fluctuation. The heart rate was 168 bpm, very healthy and strong. So. . .it appears my worries were for nothing, something I am very grateful for. I intend to fully appreciate every nausea-free moment I have over the next few weeks, until it's gone altogether. I have another scan in two weeks. If all looks good at that one, we intend to tell GG about her impending big sisterhood. Here's hoping!!!

On a spiritual note, as I was driving to the appointment, I was thinking about how God sees me and that if I was going to get bad news, he already knows it's coming. I pictured him bracing himself for my sorrow that was to come, knowing he grieves with his children. As I was having these thoughts, a whisper blew across my heart that said something like, "He anticipates your joy with excitement, not just your pain with sorrow." I, being the pessimist I am, didn't really listen at the time, so invested in my worry was I. After the scan went well, I think I felt a bit convicted for not taking the encouragement that was being offered. I am thankful for a God that gets excited when he knows I'm about to get good news. I should listen to his whispers more often.

Such a Worry Wort

photo by cesar bojorquez

So today, I got up, threw up once in the morning, then went on about my day. I only had one or two waves of nausea all day long. I should be happy, right? Nope. Now I'm scared. I'm afraid that something is wrong with the baby and it made my nausea go away prematurely. Now how's that for ironic? When I'm puking my guts out, I'm praying for it to pass and when I'm feeling better, I'm wishing I felt sick because I'm afraid it's a bad sign. I have issues.

I also had a dream last night that I began to bleed. In my dream, I tried to call my doctor, but the phone wouldn't work. No matter which buttons I pushed, I couldn't get the right number to dial. The dream scared me because I had a dream about bleeding two days before I started spotting with the baby I lost. Now I'm afraid it's a bad sign.

My next ultrasound is scheduled for this coming Wednesday, April 1st at 4 pm. At that point, I will be 10 weeks, 6 days (I'm 10 weeks, 4 days today). I'm nervous that I'm going to get bad news. I have no signs or symptoms of miscarriage, just an ease in the nausea. I wanted to call my doctor today and see if I could come in early, but what should I say. Somehow, "I only puked once today and I had a dream that I was bleeding," doesn't seem like a reason that would carry much weight? Oh the dark and twisty mind I possess. I'm praying I can rest in God's peace until Wednesday, but it is a moment by moment struggle.

Over Halfway Through The Nausea

I've had a rough few days this week. On Wednesday, before work, I did my usual heaving before I took my Zofran and I swear I thought I tore my esophagus. My chest hurt for about 20 minutes after and even swallowing water was painful. So for the last two days, I've been taking the Zofran half an hour before I get up, so as not to throw up at all. It's not easy and once I swallow the water, the nausea starts. I lie there and grit my teeth for half an hour to keep it down, then manage to eat breakfast and start the day. I'm still fairly nauseous all day long, but not throwing up as much. I just keep reminding myself that the nausea in any form will probably only last a little less than 4 more weeks. I'm more than half way through it.

I have managed to rehydrate by eating ice. I've also discovered that chewing sugared bubble gum makes me able to drink water (though terrible for my teeth). I chewed the last piece last night, so I'll be off in search of more sometime today. Oh, the tiny tricks we use to survive a rough time.

On a positive note, my good friend, Judy came over yesterday to help me out. She helped me sort my laundry, put away some clean clothes, and then played with GG for over an hour. It was a huge blessing to me and to GG. They had so much fun together. She is great with kids.

Thank God for putting people in our lives who go out of their way to show kindness. 10 weeks, 1 day and counting!!!

My Solution for Today

I say it's a solution for today because things tend to work for me one minute, and not necessarily the next. Once I calmed down from my anger at the disregard shown to me by the medical assistant, I remembered one thing she suggested-ice chips. So after lunch as I was hanging over my trash can at work (I'm sure the folks there LOVE me right now), I asked one of my friends if she would go get me a cup of ice from the ice machine downstairs. I also got a can of plain Coca-Cola, not to drink completely, but to flavor the ice (plain ice can be hard to stomach for me). So far, so good. It's not enough flavor to start the bad taste syndrome, but enough to make the ice palatable, and hopefully not enough caffeine to do any harm. So far, I'm on my second heaping cup and it's tasting pretty good. So I guess the condescending lady gets a point for one helpful tip. Wow, am I bitter today or what?

Warning-Rant

I have tried to "push" myself to drink more over the last couple days, but I feel like I just can't catch up. Hubby and I discussed it and I decided to call my doctor's office this morning and ask about the home IV option. If it could make me feel better and give me a head start on re hydrating, I'd be willing to do it.

I called an hour after they opened and spoke with his assistant. She acted like she'd never heard of such a thing and asked me if I'd tried popsicles. I told her I've tried everything and it all leaves a horrible taste in my mouth and makes me want to throw up. I told her the doctor himself is the one who suggested the IV thing, and she said she'd talk to him and call me back.

She called me back no more than 10 minutes later and said that unless I'm dizzy and lightheaded, IVs are not necessary. He just wants me to push myself to drink. She said decreased urine output is a "sign they look for in children who can't communicate other symptoms." She was so condescending, it left me upset. I said I'd do my best and hung up.

I'm feeling fairly stupid right now (and mad). Hubby assures me that we heard the same thing on Saturday and that we don't know what the assistant said to him this morning, or exactly what he said back. All I know is that they made me feel like a moron for even mentioning the possibility of an IV. So I guess I'm off to force feed myself some more water (since there's nothing else available at work to drink) and pray it stays down. Grrrrrr. . .

All Is Well!

Just returned home from the doctor's office. He was able to see the baby with the transabdominal ultrasound (no more plastic probe, YAY!) Baby's heart rate was 186 bpm, normal for my stage today (9 weeks, 2 days). He didn't measure because the heart looked so good. He said the spotting was likely the result of the internal probe on Wednesday and it just took a couple of days to show up. We are immensely relieved.

I threw up in the car on the way home. Luckily, I brought a trash bag along just in case. I suspect that I am suffering from dehydration. I have several symptoms-very little urine output, very dry skin, dry mouth, chills, etc. My doctor gave us till Monday to rehydrate manually. He recommends sipping Gatorade, Kool-aid, etc. since water makes me nauseous (breathing makes me nauseous, too, but I must continue!) If I'm still dehydrated on Monday, he is going to order a home nurse to come and administer IV fluids. He said he knows it sounds bad, but it would make me feel a lot better very quickly.

So as I sit here typing, I'm sipping my purple Gatorade like a good girl. Hubby is now monitoring my fluids, which is probably good. It will keep me honest! Thanks to all of you who prayed and thought of me over the last 24 hours.

Spotting & Scared

Unfortunately, I started spotting this afternoon. There's been no bright red bleeding, just a steady light brown for several hours. I am, of course, quite scared. I called my doctor's office and was told that if it increases, I should go to the ER. If not, he will see me in his office for an ultrasound at 10:15 a.m. to see if the baby's still okay.

The medical assistant told me that the fact that we have a good ultrasound just two days ago, and the fact that it is light spotting are all good signs, but still I fear. I am hoping and praying that all is well, but I'm not sure I will breathe a sigh of relief with this pregnancy until we make it through this first trimester. My nerves are shot.

Thankfully, a good friend is coming to sit with GG so my husband can go with me in the morning. I have horrible flashbacks of the day I got the bad news from an ultrasound the last time and I was alone. I don't want that to happen again. I just keep watching the DVD of the one I had on Wednesday, seeing the little bean move around in there and trying to hold on to hope. I'll update after the appointment tomorrow either way.

Death By Morning Sickness?

Photo by: Katharine Moriarty
Okay, so obviously if I'm writing this post, I'm not dead. I'm just wondering how many consecutive days one can throw up repeatedly and stay alive. Okay, so I'm being dramatic and I know I won't die from it, but I did genuinely wonder this morning if my stomach can physically turn inside out and come up my esophagus? It's bad.

If I look at the big picture, it's too overwhelming. 5 more weeks of this nausea seems like forever, so I'm focusing on getting through today. Also, scientific research says HCG levels (the hormone thought to cause the nausea) peak between 8 and 10 weeks and then start to decline. Hopefully that means these few weeks are the worst of it. I need hope so I'm going to believe that. Don't get me wrong, in the midst of all this, I'm grateful that the sickness means all is well, but it's hard to keep your "chin up" when your head is constantly hanging in the toilet. . .

Ultrasound-8 weeks, 6 days

YAY! Had another ultrasound today, thanks to my super cool doctor. Everything looked great. The baby's CRL (crown-rump-length) measured 9 weeks, 1 day even though I'm actually 8 weeks, 6 days according to cycle dates (all within normal range). I got to hear that little heartbeat again, racing along at 171 bpm. My doctor gave me the choice to come back in one week or two and I'm still debating. I'll decide tomorrow.

When I got home and got to watch today's ultrasound on DVD, I noticed that you can actually see the baby move! That was a site that brought joy to my heart. Its little head kind of nodded once and a little hand flipper moved another time. So far, so good. I'm starting to get excited in spite of my fear (and in spite of my nausea). The ultrasound pic posted above really doesn't do justice to what I saw, but it's the best I can do. The format on the DVD won't let me load the whole video to anything else. Trust me, I've tried!!

Same Old. . .

Please let this be the nausea peak. Please, please, please! I have been so sick for the last 4 days I can barely function. I just spontaneously gag/heave out of nowhere. The Zofran only helps for about an hour. Nothing sounds good to eat so I have to force feed myself stuff to keep my strength up, and I look just plain disgusting. I don't even like me right now!

It's all worth it if this little kiddo sticks in there this time, though. I'm still looking forward to week 14 and my first food that tastes good AND stays in. I just ate two over easy eggs with a piece of toast and it's the first thing that's tasted okay all day. Now I just hope it stays in!! 8 weeks, 5 days and counting!

More Fun!

I truly hope the nausea is peaking now. The last two days have been the worst so far. According to the little journal I kept when pregnant with GG, week 9 (which would be this week since you're in week 9 when you're 8 weeks, x days pregnant) was the absolute worst week of nausea I had. After that, it was still there, but manageable until week 14. C'mon week 14!!

My newest pregnancy related ailment? The rhinitis of pregnancy. This one I did suffer with briefly the last time. I couldn't get one of my ears to open and my nose kept bleeding so I saw my ENT doctor and that was his diagnosis. Never had that one with GG, but the body changes as it ages-joy. It is basically like hay fever caused by the engorged blood vessels in the nose and sinuses during pregnancy. I'm sure the awakening of spring is also a contributing factor. So for the last few days, I wake up stuffy every morning and sneeze and drip all day long. I don't have a scratchy throat or any other other cold like symptoms though so that's a blessing. A cough would be VERY bad right now, since even my hairspray occasionally makes me gag.

Fear is Ugly

Last night, right before bed, I had a tiny bit of spotting (and I mean TINY) on the toilet paper. I tried not to worry, but worry should be my middle name because I couldn't stop. I had horrible dreams of miscarriage all night long. As soon as my doctor's office opened today, I called and talked to his assistant. She said a little spotting is common after transvaginal ultrasound and as long as it doesn't persist, not to worry. It's gone this morning, and trust me I've checked. About every 30 minutes.

Ultrasound-7 weeks, 6 days

The day finally came and all is well at this point! I'm immensely relieved, but still apprehensive (I know, I'm a dark and twisty one). My hubby wasn't able to meet me there because our little one is sick and at home today, so my sister came so I wouldn't be alone in case of bad news.

My doctor did the scan with the internal probe. He came in and before he even started said "I'm sure it's going to look just fine." Optimism is good. He talked me through the whole thing because he could tell how worried I was. "I'm just getting my bearings, hold on." He found the baby easily and we saw the heartbeat. Even better, he was able to turn on the speakers and we actually heard the heartbeat. Why is that sound so powerful? Seeing it was great, but I actually got tears in my eyes when I heard it, at a beautiful 156 bpm. The baby is measuring 7 weeks, 5 days today. He said one day different from the calendar calculations is perfectly normal. They don't worry unless it's off by more than a week and a half. He even burned me a DVD of the whole ultrasound to take home. All in all, a wonderful experience.

When he was finished and came back in to talk to me, I told him I was concerned that if he didn't bring me back in for a whole month like last time, I'd sit and worry that something was wrong. Last time, we saw the heartbeat at 8 weeks, the baby died between 9 and 10 weeks, and we didn't know anything was wrong until almost 12 weeks. I don't want to repeat that. My awesome doctor said that just to ease my mind, he will bring me back in once a week until the first trimester is over and check an ultrasound each time. I almost hugged him. I'm so glad that I will only have one week intervals of wondering if all is well.

We cautiously told our immediate family and a few close friends the news today. We asked them all to keep it under the radar for now. Everyone is excited and supportive and I'm relieved to have it out in the open a bit. Covering this awful nausea is a challenge for me and at least now, those I'm closest to can know what's really going on (I think a couple of my friends were worried I was developing a serious health problem). I'm trying very hard to just sit back and enjoy this immense blessing we have right now, and praying that this child continues to grow healthily and flourish in a wonderful way. The fear still rests in the back of my mind, but I know I'm rapidly getting more attached to this beautiful little life that's growing inside of me.

Another Day, Another Adventure?

This morning, at about 4:30 a.m. (don't ask if it was old or new time, I don't know), I awoke with excruciating upper abdominal pain. I could not find a comfortable position. I could not take a deep breath. It seemed to be more in the middle of my upper abdomen and off to the right, all above the navel. I struggled for a few minutes before waking up hubby in a panic. The fact that the pain was so bad and I was struggling to breath properly was scaring me. After some discussion, we decided I should go to the ER for evaluation. We didn't want to wake GG (and I didn't want to call an ambulance) so I drove myself. It hurt so bad all the way there, I had to breath through the pain to stay focused on the road. The pain continued at that level for close to an hour. They got me into a room and took some blood. They offered me pain meds that they said were "safe" during pregnancy, but I was still scared so I declined. The doctor came in and reassured me that he did not think my pain was directly related to the pregnancy and that they would not do any testing or give any medication that would endanger the baby (with the disclaimer "unless it's life or death"). They sent me for an upper abdominal ultrasound.

The results? No one really knows. The ER doctor is convinced that I had biliary colic (gallbladder pain) despite the negative ultrasound. He said you can have pain there without stones or sludge and that pregnancy is a major cause of that pain. The tech tried a transabdominal to check the pregnancy but couldn't see anything from the outside, and wasn't authorized to do an internal probe. She said my uterus is tipped and she couldn't really even see inside, which at 7 weeks is not at all uncommon. Of course, I'm still worried and probably will be until we see if all is well on Wednesday at the doctor's office ultrasound. The ER doctor seemed quite confident in his diagnosis and said aside from pain management, there's not a lot they can do for gallbladder inflammation without stones, especially in first trimester pregnancy. I hope this is a one time thing.

After my ER adventure, I wasn't feeling nauseous this morning so I decided to stop and get something from Sonic for breakfast. I got a bacon, egg and cheese toaster sandwich with tater tots and a cherry limeade. I didn't want the bread or all the tater tots, but the rest of it was delicious. I didn't take my Zofran because I wasn't feeling sick. I laid down to take a nap shortly thereafter. Unfortunately, (or fortunately if nausea is a good sign) I woke up an hour or so later and had to rush to the bathroom. Suffice it to say that I won't be eating bacon for a while. I took my Zofran and went back to bed. I hope tomorrow is a little more boring.

Still Here

7 weeks, 2 days today and of course, still sick. Sleep is my only respite so I try and sleep a lot. This morning, I slept until almost 9 a.m. and got up feeling okay. Thought if I could get my Zofran pill and breakfast in quickly, maybe I wouldn't dry heave. Opened the bread wrapper to put the toast into the toaster and the smell of the bread sent me running to the bathroom. BREAD-not exactly a pungent odor. My hubby was kind enough to make his coffee in the single brew pot this morning. The big pot has "aroma vents." I thanked him profusely.

Stayed home from church band practice last night because I'm an ugly sick person and I can't hide it. We will expand the inner circle of people who know after the ultrasound on Wednesday, but until then, I've been avoiding most of my friends. One of them thinks I'm mad at her. I've assured her I'm not, that I just don't feel well. She'll understand after she knows. She's had 3 miscarriages herself and last time didn't tell anybody she was pregnant until almost 15 weeks.

So I'm hanging in here. 6.5 more weeks of this sounds like a long time, but I pray this baby also hangs in there. I told my hubby last night that if this one doesn't stick, I'm going to seriously consider adoption. I am not good at being sick.

Ode to the Porcelain God

I hate morning sickness. It must have been a man that named it morning sickness, perhaps because he only was around in the morning to watch his wife hurling her guts into the porcelain god? Regardless of how it got its name, it is a misnomer on a major scale.

I'm a little afraid to complain. Somehow the childish notion that words have power makes me fear that wishing I wasn't sick will "jinx" the pregnancy. This creates inner turmoil for me. I am very grateful for the pregnancy, but in the first trimester, it feels more like an illness than a joyous condition.

I am 6 weeks, 6 days today and my morning looked something like this:

6:15 a.m.-I awake with gas pains in stomach. Lie in bed hoping they go away and I go back to sleep.
6:30 a.m.-Waves of nausea begin. Fight it off for a few minutes, then get up and hang over the toilet for 5 minutes, puking stomach fluid until I dry heave.
6:45 a.m.-Take medication for nausea, put a piece of bread into the toaster oven and lie down on the sofa to wait for it to be done and meds to work.
7:00 a.m.-Toast is done, still fighting the urge to puke. Gag a couple of times. Force toast down, gagging on every bite.
7:15 a.m.-Feel a tiny bit better, get in shower. Suck on Jolly Ranchers on the way to take GG to sitters.

It would be better if it really was just the morning, but it's not. The smell of burnt popcorn in the elevator at work almost sent me running to the bathroom. My head is hurting from the dry heaves, and I just want to be at home in bed. Since this particular ailment lasted until 14 weeks with my daughter, I'm overwhelmed at how I'm going to survive it. I'm trying to focus on the whole "one day at a time" thing, but it's hard. I'm torn between joy that I'm sick this time (wasn't very sick with the baby I lost, thinking this is a good sign), and depression that I'm going to feel this way for at least 7 more weeks.

And So It Begins

And this is where keeping pregnancy a secret gets tricky for me. Today is 6 weeks, 4 days and I had my first case of the dry heaves this morning. Mild so far but enough to make me get up out of bed. Nothing sounds good for breakfast but I know I have to eat something. I haven't thrown up yet but the morning is young. . .

Doctor's Appointment Change

Argh! My ultrasound was scheduled for Monday, March 9th. Yesterday, my doctor's office called and rescheduled it to Wednesday, March 11th. They're killing me here. I am not a patient person no matter what definition you use, and two more days seems like forever! I will survive, of course.

I'm starting to feel the beginnings of nausea. It's not too severe at this point, just the occasional wave of "ewe, that stinks." Coffee started stinking yesterday so I know it's coming. Six weeks, 2 days today!

Home From My Trip

I just got home from my foray to Atlanta, Georgia for a ladies' gathering related to church. I had a great time. Still no pregnancy symptoms, aside from good, old-fashioned exhaustion. I might have had a wave or two of nausea, but it's hard to know if that was from travelling, lots of high-fat food, and extra fatigue, or from pregnancy.

I pulled out my pregnancy journal that I kept when I was pregnant with my daughter tonight. According to it, my morning sickness didn't start with her until I was 7 weeks pregnant and didn't get bad enough to require medication until 9 weeks. That would mean that if this pregnancy continues and follows that same trend, I won't start feeling sick until a week and a half from now or so. Today, I am 5 weeks, 3 days pregnant and everything seems okay. I'm resting in the knowledge that God has a plan for me and He is good, no matter what the future holds. I'm so grateful that the character of my God doesn't change with my circumstances.

A Long Wait Ahead

I heard back from the NP at my doctor's office. She reiterated that my numbers are rising as they should. I asked her if I should be concerned about the more than doubling HCG and she said absolutely not. She said they want it to at least double and mine is good. The bad news? He doesn't want to see me again for THREE WEEKS. I am going to lose my mind. I know that the ultrasound at what will be 7 weeks, 4 days is a normal time to do one as they won't be able to see much before then, but part of me was hoping there wouldn't be such a gap this time. That's a long wait when you're a worrier like me!

I Have Issues

After compulsively calling home to check my answering machine this morning for an hour after the doctor's office opened at 9:00 a.m., I finally called them to check my HCG results. My level on Monday was 610! I was very excited and shaky (because I was very nervous and shaky before that) and I quickly hung up. I forgot to ask when I should come back in for more blood work or an ultrasound. I called right back and they said someone will call me this afternoon with that information because my doctor won't be in until after 2:00 p.m. It's now almost 4:00 and no one's called. I'm trying not to be a pain in the butt, realizing I'm not the only patient there.

As I calculated in my head, I realize that my levels almost quadrupled in 3 days, not just doubled. My new fear? Molar pregnancy. That's right folks, after a few minutes of revelling in my good news, my mind immediately turned to what else could be wrong if it's not ectopic. I have doom and gloom issues. So now I've read several things on that topic and I'm not reassured. If it is something like that, the only thing to do is wait and see. It's too early to tell on ultrasound. So why can't I just relax and assume it's just an ordinary healthy pregnancy? It's not in my nature, and I'm just not ready to accept the possibility yet. If I do, my hopes have a lot further to fall if something happens. Time will tell I guess!

Doctor Visit-4 weeks, 4 days

I just finished at the doctor's office. My doctor said my progesterone from Friday is normal and my HCG is "low." Not sure what that means since his NP yesterday said it was normal in early pregnancy. He then came back in and said it was normal for early. I'm still a bit confused. Most things I've read online say 120 HCG is definitely in the normal range for 4 weeks, 1 day, which is what I was when they did it.

In any event, he is repeating the HCG today. He said he'll have it back in a day or so, like it was no big deal. Then the phlebotomist came in and drew my blood, put the HCG vial in a bag marked "stat" and said it would be back in 4-5 hours and that they would page my doctor when the results arrived. This makes it seem a lot more urgent than what he said to me personally.

My doctor said he won't do an ultrasound till my HCG levels reach 3000-4000, which by my calculations would be next week. Unfortunately, he was so rushed today that he didn't even tell me when to schedule a follow up. This is not like him. He's normally very attentive and careful to answer any questions. I'm going to chalk it up to a busy day for him. Everybody has them. He also warned me that he saw that the pap smear he did caused me to bleed a little, so when I see some spotting over the next day or so, not to panic. Glad to have that warning ahead of time, because "panic" is my middle name.

I guess by this time tomorrow, I'll know if my HCG levels are doubling appropriately. I hate waiting.

Results

I just got a call from my doctor's nurse practitioner (at 7:30 p.m. on a Sunday night!!). She said my HCG levels on Friday were 120 and my progesterone was 49.2. The HCG level is "normal for early pregnancy" and the progesterone is "very good." The wait continues.

The pain in my lower left pelvis has actually subsided (or at least let up to very intermittent), which I believe is a good sign. Unfortunately, a pain in my upper right abdomen that I was convinced was related to an adhesion of endometriosis reared its ugly head yesterday. Can endo adhesions still cause pain when you're pregnant? I really don't know. I've had a lot of gassy pains since a little bowel attack yesterday. I wonder if it could be pulling on scar tissue from an adhesion? I guess only time will tell. One day (hour, minute, second) at a time.

Another Day

I'm feeling amazingly peaceful today. The Scripture I found yesterday really rooted in my heart, and I have a sense that everything will be okay, even if it's not okay. I know it sounds like it doesn't make sense, but I know I will make it through this, no matter what "this" is.

Last night, I went out for a girls' night with 6 of my friends. Several were talking about the horribleness of pregnancy, a topic which still tugs on my heart, especially with what's going on right now. I got quiet and focused on my food. While I also hated the morning sickness of pregnancy, the rest of it was a beautiful experience for me. The baby moving inside, the anticipation of the birth. . .those are the parts I long to experience again. As one friend commented that she felt like it was an alien taking over her body, my sister noticed how quiet I was and made eye contact, quietly making sure I was okay. I assured her I was fine. She and I have always had kind of a special connection that way, and I so appreciate her sensitivity.

She gave me a Willow Tree Angel of Hope for my birthday. I couldn't even express to her how loved it made me feel. Right now, she only knows that I hope to have another child someday and she doesn't want me to lose hope. She has no idea that I'm pregnant now and fighting to keep hope that this baby will be viable and will survive. Without even knowing it, she's fanning the flame of hope in my heart. That's what sisters are for I guess!

This morning the pain in my side is much less. I hope this continues, as an ectopic pregnancy is even more scary than another miscarriage. I'm holding on to Jesus in the midst of this storm of fear. He's the only one who can see me through to the other side.

Update

I had blood drawn at the doctor's office a little while ago. I will not go in to see him tomorrow. They told me they will run my HCG and have the results by Monday, then draw blood to run it again, and have the results back by Tuesday morning. I'm not sure if he'll attempt an ultrasound before I leave to go out of town. The medical assistant says he usually doesn't until at least 8 weeks. Maybe he'll be more cautious because of my history of tubal scarring? Not sure.

On a lighter note, the girls in my doctor's office seem to treat me with a lot more familiarity than before. The girl who drew my blood today, Jen, is the same one who attended me on the day I had the ultrasound that found the miscarriage. She was very sweet and kind to me then, and today, she was equally so. We agreed that we hope our next several encounters will be for pleasant reasons. I asked her about the antique ultrasound machine my doctor was using before, and to my relief, she said he got a new one! After she took my blood, she took me around to the other side of the office and showed it to me. It looks very high tech. I can't explain why this makes me feel so much better. The thought of seeing that old machine that helped deliver such awful news before was making me anxious. The human mind is a dark and twisty place.

Comfort

In all my craziness this morning, I'm looking for an anchor to hold me fast. I've been neglecting my Scripture studies lately, so I decided to renew my mind by studying my daily Scripture that came in my e-mail today:

Jer 17:7 "Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD.
Jer 17:8 He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit."

This is God's promise to me that no matter what happens and what the outcome of this pregnancy, I will survive and even thrive. If I choose to put my trust in Him, my roots will be nourished by his grace and his comfort, and I will stay vibrant. I can rest securely in knowing that God has my back, and will give me the strength to make it through whatever comes my way. It even promises that I will continue to "bear fruit," meaning I will still be able to be productive, even in the midst of horrible pain.

I don't particularly want to go through any more pain, but I am comforted by the fact that if I do lose this baby, God will see me through again. The fear of pain is sometimes even worse than the pain itself when it comes. I am choosing right now, this moment, to trust in Him. One minute at a time is all I can handle.

Doctor Visit-4 weeks, 1 day

I finally called my doctor's office today because of the level of left sided pelvic pain I'm having. They're having me come in today for bloodwork even though I'm only 4 weeks, 1 day and then in tomorrow to see my doctor. I'm nervous because I don't even know what they can tell at this stage. From what I've read, even on transvaginal ultrasound, the gestational sac isn't visible for another several days or even a week. I'm supposed to go out of town on Thursday the 19th, and I'm really hoping for some kind of definitive answer by then, or that my doctor can advise me if it's still safe to go. I won't know much more until I see him tomorrow. It's also nerve wracking because the last time I saw him on a Saturday, my miscarriage was discovered.

I just hope if this is ectopic, they find it very soon and deal with it, so it doesn't endanger my fertility or worse yet, my life.

Ectopic Pregnancy?

My new fear is that this pregnancy is ectopic. I'm going out of town-far from my doctor-next weekend and I'm terrified that it will rupture and I will bleed out!! I have been having menstrual type pain all day intermittently in my extreme lower left pelvic area (near the pubic bone), and I'm so afraid that means a tubal pregnancy. I made an appointment to see my doctor on Monday, but I'm not even sure he'll be able to tell what's going on by then. At that point, I will only be 4 weeks, 4 days pregnant.

Have any of my readers had moderate pelvic pain on one side in early pregnancy and everything turned out all right? I'm so scared and would really appreciate any comments that might give me hope. No horror stories, please!!

The Test is. . .Positive?

This is so ironic to me. The first month I didn't really give it as much thought. . .I'm pregnant? Late last week, I started having mild menstrual aching in my pelvic area and I was hoping I wasn't going to start early. My LMP was January 15th and I'm due to start on February 12th.

I have endometriosis and normally the week before my period, my abdominal pain starts to accelerate intensely, doubling me over by the week of my period. This month, my stomach stopped hurting about a week after my period ended and never started back. This was my first clue that something out of the ordinary was going on.

I went out on my lunch hour from work yesterday and bought an HPT, early detection (yesterday was cycle day 25-3 full days before I'm due to start) and I took it in the bathroom at work. I was sure I detected a faint line in the test area, and spent a lot of the afternoon pulling it out to look at it-over and over. I'm a compulsive tester with a touch of OCD.:-)

I brought the test home and showed it to my husband. He said he might see something but wasn't really sure. We should test again on Thursday if I didn't start. I heartily agreed and promised myself to save the second test in the box till Thursday morning.

Did I mention that I'm a compulsive tester? This morning, I had an extra 10 minutes on the way to my daughter's dance class, so I ran into Walgreens and picked up a digital test (you know, the kind that says "pregnant" or "not pregnant.") After my girl went into her class, I took the test into the bathroom at her dance school and did it. After what seemed like hours of the little hourglass turning, it came out . . .positive!! I was shocked and terrified. I called my hubby on my cell to tell him and he suggested I go ahead and make an appointment with the doctor.

I haven't made the appointment yet because honestly, I think I'm in denial. I'm excited and hopeful, but also scared and a little sad. I feel like half the battle (getting pregnant) is past but the other half (staying pregnant) is just beginning. I just feel so powerless. Other than the usual precautions (no caffeine, no hot tubs, etc.) there is nothing I can do to keep this baby safe. I hope and pray I make it through this.

Background

We had to wait 2 months after my miscarriage to start trying again. I have endometriosis, which blocks at least one of my fallopian tubes. Both were blocked, but in February 2008, I had a laparoscopy during which the right side opened. We've been trying for 4 months and this month, because I was so frustrated, I didn't really worry too much about exact timing or anything like that.

We have one beautiful daughter, who was conceived the first month we tried, and this secondary infertility has been very wearing for us. We tried for 10 months before we conceived the baby we lost, so it's been well over a year since we decided to add to our family. Infertility is like a constant reminder of my little one in heaven. My due date was February 2nd, 2009 and I had hoped to be pregnant again by then but it was not to be. . .