I Have Issues

After compulsively calling home to check my answering machine this morning for an hour after the doctor's office opened at 9:00 a.m., I finally called them to check my HCG results. My level on Monday was 610! I was very excited and shaky (because I was very nervous and shaky before that) and I quickly hung up. I forgot to ask when I should come back in for more blood work or an ultrasound. I called right back and they said someone will call me this afternoon with that information because my doctor won't be in until after 2:00 p.m. It's now almost 4:00 and no one's called. I'm trying not to be a pain in the butt, realizing I'm not the only patient there.

As I calculated in my head, I realize that my levels almost quadrupled in 3 days, not just doubled. My new fear? Molar pregnancy. That's right folks, after a few minutes of revelling in my good news, my mind immediately turned to what else could be wrong if it's not ectopic. I have doom and gloom issues. So now I've read several things on that topic and I'm not reassured. If it is something like that, the only thing to do is wait and see. It's too early to tell on ultrasound. So why can't I just relax and assume it's just an ordinary healthy pregnancy? It's not in my nature, and I'm just not ready to accept the possibility yet. If I do, my hopes have a lot further to fall if something happens. Time will tell I guess!

Results

I just got a call from my doctor's nurse practitioner (at 7:30 p.m. on a Sunday night!!). She said my HCG levels on Friday were 120 and my progesterone was 49.2. The HCG level is "normal for early pregnancy" and the progesterone is "very good." The wait continues.

The pain in my lower left pelvis has actually subsided (or at least let up to very intermittent), which I believe is a good sign. Unfortunately, a pain in my upper right abdomen that I was convinced was related to an adhesion of endometriosis reared its ugly head yesterday. Can endo adhesions still cause pain when you're pregnant? I really don't know. I've had a lot of gassy pains since a little bowel attack yesterday. I wonder if it could be pulling on scar tissue from an adhesion? I guess only time will tell. One day (hour, minute, second) at a time.

Another Day

I'm feeling amazingly peaceful today. The Scripture I found yesterday really rooted in my heart, and I have a sense that everything will be okay, even if it's not okay. I know it sounds like it doesn't make sense, but I know I will make it through this, no matter what "this" is.

Last night, I went out for a girls' night with 6 of my friends. Several were talking about the horribleness of pregnancy, a topic which still tugs on my heart, especially with what's going on right now. I got quiet and focused on my food. While I also hated the morning sickness of pregnancy, the rest of it was a beautiful experience for me. The baby moving inside, the anticipation of the birth. . .those are the parts I long to experience again. As one friend commented that she felt like it was an alien taking over her body, my sister noticed how quiet I was and made eye contact, quietly making sure I was okay. I assured her I was fine. She and I have always had kind of a special connection that way, and I so appreciate her sensitivity.

She gave me a Willow Tree Angel of Hope for my birthday. I couldn't even express to her how loved it made me feel. Right now, she only knows that I hope to have another child someday and she doesn't want me to lose hope. She has no idea that I'm pregnant now and fighting to keep hope that this baby will be viable and will survive. Without even knowing it, she's fanning the flame of hope in my heart. That's what sisters are for I guess!

This morning the pain in my side is much less. I hope this continues, as an ectopic pregnancy is even more scary than another miscarriage. I'm holding on to Jesus in the midst of this storm of fear. He's the only one who can see me through to the other side.

Update

I had blood drawn at the doctor's office a little while ago. I will not go in to see him tomorrow. They told me they will run my HCG and have the results by Monday, then draw blood to run it again, and have the results back by Tuesday morning. I'm not sure if he'll attempt an ultrasound before I leave to go out of town. The medical assistant says he usually doesn't until at least 8 weeks. Maybe he'll be more cautious because of my history of tubal scarring? Not sure.

On a lighter note, the girls in my doctor's office seem to treat me with a lot more familiarity than before. The girl who drew my blood today, Jen, is the same one who attended me on the day I had the ultrasound that found the miscarriage. She was very sweet and kind to me then, and today, she was equally so. We agreed that we hope our next several encounters will be for pleasant reasons. I asked her about the antique ultrasound machine my doctor was using before, and to my relief, she said he got a new one! After she took my blood, she took me around to the other side of the office and showed it to me. It looks very high tech. I can't explain why this makes me feel so much better. The thought of seeing that old machine that helped deliver such awful news before was making me anxious. The human mind is a dark and twisty place.

Comfort

In all my craziness this morning, I'm looking for an anchor to hold me fast. I've been neglecting my Scripture studies lately, so I decided to renew my mind by studying my daily Scripture that came in my e-mail today:

Jer 17:7 "Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD.
Jer 17:8 He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit."

This is God's promise to me that no matter what happens and what the outcome of this pregnancy, I will survive and even thrive. If I choose to put my trust in Him, my roots will be nourished by his grace and his comfort, and I will stay vibrant. I can rest securely in knowing that God has my back, and will give me the strength to make it through whatever comes my way. It even promises that I will continue to "bear fruit," meaning I will still be able to be productive, even in the midst of horrible pain.

I don't particularly want to go through any more pain, but I am comforted by the fact that if I do lose this baby, God will see me through again. The fear of pain is sometimes even worse than the pain itself when it comes. I am choosing right now, this moment, to trust in Him. One minute at a time is all I can handle.

Doctor Visit-4 weeks, 1 day

I finally called my doctor's office today because of the level of left sided pelvic pain I'm having. They're having me come in today for bloodwork even though I'm only 4 weeks, 1 day and then in tomorrow to see my doctor. I'm nervous because I don't even know what they can tell at this stage. From what I've read, even on transvaginal ultrasound, the gestational sac isn't visible for another several days or even a week. I'm supposed to go out of town on Thursday the 19th, and I'm really hoping for some kind of definitive answer by then, or that my doctor can advise me if it's still safe to go. I won't know much more until I see him tomorrow. It's also nerve wracking because the last time I saw him on a Saturday, my miscarriage was discovered.

I just hope if this is ectopic, they find it very soon and deal with it, so it doesn't endanger my fertility or worse yet, my life.

Ectopic Pregnancy?

My new fear is that this pregnancy is ectopic. I'm going out of town-far from my doctor-next weekend and I'm terrified that it will rupture and I will bleed out!! I have been having menstrual type pain all day intermittently in my extreme lower left pelvic area (near the pubic bone), and I'm so afraid that means a tubal pregnancy. I made an appointment to see my doctor on Monday, but I'm not even sure he'll be able to tell what's going on by then. At that point, I will only be 4 weeks, 4 days pregnant.

Have any of my readers had moderate pelvic pain on one side in early pregnancy and everything turned out all right? I'm so scared and would really appreciate any comments that might give me hope. No horror stories, please!!